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Go on, be my Gest

The Photo Albums are an edited selection of the pictures taken while on tour. The full set will be released on CD shortly but I need to vet them first. As for the DVD of our video footage there is nothing incrimenating in the images, but some of the language is a bit choice and Vickers Jam joke has already escaped the censors much to the amusement of my wife and disgust of my mum.

The 122nd Foot and Mouth, "Devils in Skirts" were together as a regiment for only 10 days. But the tour will go down in history.

Thursday 18th June

Take off

With immaculate planning and world class organization the 2009 Lions Tour got underway at 03:00 hours on the morning of Thursday the 18th of June and Sandy, Del and the Old Yin arrived at Glasgow with time to spare. Unfortunately the events that were about to unfold could not have been foreseen and the tour was to start in the worst possible way. A computer failure at Glasgow airport caused our flight to be delayed and some incredible incompetence by KLM staff at both Glasgow and Amsterdam meant that we missed our connecting flight from Amsterdam to Cape Town. 

Derek starts to panic, he's not made a phone call for almost 10 minutes

We then had two choices, either a two day delay in Amsterdam, meaning we miss the 1st Test in Durban, or a hellish trip via Accra in Ghana that may get us back on track. Tempted by the delights of Amsterdam, we reluctantly headed for West Africa and a trip that would turn old Gesty's Lacoste's into a toxic hazard that would become the stuff of legend. In the late evening we arrived in Accra to find out that our luggage had not left Amsterdam. 

Derek enjoys the delights of Accra Airport

  Not the flight we wanted.         Accra Airport, Ghana.      Del shows his true colours

Friday 19th June

Bags !! What Bags ? Our luggage gets lost route.

Having survived the ordeal of our travel and the smell of the Old Yin feet we eventually meet up with Richard and Simon. Vickers was keen to catch up with the latest gossip,

Richard tells Derek how fantastic his flight was, the smug git..

While Simon started his tour in typical fashion. A habit the old freak maintained for the next 10 days.

          Teeth out and ready for action                    a traditional African speciality

The Riviera...... Gadz.

Accra was not the best place to spend 7 long hours and with the prospect of flying to Jo'burg and missing the connection to Cape Town the old Yin was beginning to lose the plot. Only the calm stiff upper lip and total lack of knowledge of what the plans actually were by the Duke of Octavia kept the tour on track. A late arrival in Jo'burg gave us a bit of a hectic dash through Tambo airport only just catching the Cape Town flight with seconds to spare. During this time we hatched a plan to have Simon and Richard collect tickets for the 1st Test and meet for the first time. Not sure which one I felt more sorry for. Finally we all met at Cape Town Airport and the regiment was formed. Having arranged to collect our delayed luggage on our return to Cape Town we boarded the flight to Durban and the Tour was back on track. Having collected our hire car we made our way to the Riviera Hotel and a clean comfortable bed. ( or so we thought ). The Riviera was not exactly what we had anticipated and for a mere £15 pounds a night was vastly over priced. Never before, and hopefully never again will we check into such a rotten hotel. Dark and dangerous, and that was just the receptionist, this was clearly not the place for us, but the Old Yin was insistent that it wasn't that bad in a vain attempt not to scare the regiment any more than was necessary. A brief but very fruitful conversation with Simon's relatives, Nigel, Jenny, Shelly and Pam ( Thanks to all )  over a meal was all it took to convince everyone to abandon the Riviera and make our way to a Guest House owned by Warren and managed by Andre, a.k.a. Lord Lucan.

Andre, Del and Gesty in Durban.

Saturday 20th June

Warren trades for a tour shirt.

Waking at Warrens place, Richards first thoughts were " what the hell is that smell and why am I sharing the smallest room in the building with Mick McManus while everyone else has a room to themselves ". This was the first of a continued stream of complaints that characterized the Yorkshire git for the rest of the tour. He did have a point though and it was not until later that day that the Lacoste's were identified as the source of possibly the worst smell since the great Soweto sewer incident of 1982. Without the option of full uniform, dressing for the 1st Test was a simple affair, but the shirts and Flags supplied by Simon gave us a taste of what was to come at future matches. During this time the Duke was frozen to the spot in horror, having spotted a big creepy crawly on the wall but the great white hunter, our resident arachnid expect soon identified the species say " It's not real, just made of wee beads " another mystery solved. The less said about the Test match the better but we had a ball at Kings Park. Vickery may have been stuffed by the Beast, but our own Beast ensured we kept our end up as his finger wagging and taunts of " Don't you let me down " to Vickers ensured that our Tour front row put up a good fight. With the Cornerstone of Big Sandra switching to Loosehead and the Jellystone of Vickers picking on the wee guy at Tighthead it was up to Guesty to grapple with a booze soaked South African Hooker. ( the dirty dog ). Meanwhile the Duke powdered his nose, brushed his hair and applied a little more fake tan to ensure he looked his best for the video. As darkness fell the familiar face of Big Lex could be seen as he sneaked into our hospitality tent to complete the Durban six. A few more beers and a bit of a sing song and we were heading for the pubs and clubs. It all went a bit fuzzy after that but I know Lex got back to his hotel safely because we met him again later in the tour.

Gesty's hair piece is showing.                             Meeting up with Lex. 

Sunday 21st June

The hangover of the next day was disturbing enough, but the thought of returning to the Riviera to check out was too much for most and it was up to the Old Yin and Vickers to face the Taff's once more. ( As if the locals weren't bad enough ). Andre supplied the armed escort and the dynamic due went in search of a pair of Oakleys that were never realistically going to be seen again. Had Richard found his sunglasses we would have been surprised, but not half as surprised as we were to find a small village of Africans squatting in our rooms when we returned. Normally old Gesty would have kicked up a stink, and we are not talking about the Lacoste's this time, but a sharp exit was called for and they ran like the wind once the keys were handed back. Our flight from Durban to Cape Town couldn't come quick enough and despite the horrendous gut wrenching odor of the Lacoste's we were all happy to board the plane.

Francois Steyn at Durban Airport

The luggage had finally arrived in Cape Town and the relief on the faces when the Old Yin changed his shoes was like watching kids on Christmas morning. The Southern Sun was an altogether different prospect and a team meal at Belthazars ended a stressful but eventful day. 

Vickers unpacks in Cape Town.                  Dark clouds over Table Mountain

Monday 22nd June

           Cape Point                                   Trying to get rid of the Lacoste's

With bad weather closing in we decided to drive to Simons Town and Cape Point. First stop the Penguins at Boulders Beech. The boys were simply thrilled but cheered up when the Old Yin promised them sightings of Zebra and other exotic Africa wildlife when the got to Cape Point. Between old Gesty's heart, Vickers Knees and the sight of Big Sandra skipping up the steps this was no pleasurable experience. However after recovering from frost bight we can at least say we did it and that we stood at the Cape of Good Hope overlooking Antarctica. As for the Zebra etc. they had more sense and were no where to be seen. A couple of Ostrich had ventured out but rumor has it they were suffering from bad feet and had no choice. However not even they took up the offer of a free pair of Lacoste's. Returning to Cape Town and Snady and Gesty hit the Dubliner and then HQ, a quiet little bar that was to become our local for the next 4 days. A meal at the V&A and then back to the Dubliner and HQ for a night cap.

Tuesday 23rd June

Full uniform was the order of the day for Midweek match at Newlands. looking our best and in good spirits we headed for the ground amid the worst weather the city had seen in years. A reasonable performance by the Lions in the first half was not enough to keep Gesty, Vickers and Big Sandy away from the bar for the second half and the rest of the match was watched on a black and white portable TV. As the sleet and snow swirled round the ground the Lions threw away their early advantage and never scored a single point in the second half. The draw was no concolation for Derek and Simon who were by this point suffering from Hypothermia. Back to the Dubliner and HQ to warm up. 

            The locals join the party                   The Old Yin shows how it's done

Wednesday 24th June

A Lazy day spent looking out of the hotel window at the clouds and rain eating toasties and feeling sorry for ourselves. 

View from Guesty's Penthouse

Thursday 25th June

Having wasted a day and with a renewed sense of adventure in the air we headed for the V&A and a rendezvous with an old U.S. military Huey helicopter. We were scheduled to fly a 30 minute combat mission that was to become one of the tour highlights. You've never really been in a helicopter until you have been in an open sided Huey flying at low level and banking from side to side over the surf of the southern Cape. Once the stomachs had settled it was off to Groot Constantia and some wine tasting before the weather caught up with us again.

            The Huey Combat Mission                    Wine tasting at Groot Constantia

Friday 26th June

Table Top Mountain had still eluded us and it was not until the last morning that it reopened and we were able to take the cable car to the top. Simon and Derek took so long that they were abandoned at base camp and the others made the push for the sumit. Having met up again at the bottom we made our way to the airport and the flight to Jo'burg.

              On top of the table                                    Sulking at Base Camp

Check into the Premiere Classe Suite was interesting. It was no Southern Sun, but certainly topped the Riviera and was sufficient for our needs. Once again we were close to the Wanderers Cricket Ground but much to Del's disgust we were not invited in so headed to Melrose Arch for food.

Saturday 27th June

Regimental Colours at Loftus Versfeld

Dressed for action and collected for 2nd Test in Pretoria by the Michael Page posse. The uniforms again were a big hit even though the Lions failed to win the game. Post match we returned to Jo'burg and The Baron for a sing song and everything we hated about the travelling and home fans. One more verse of Sweet Caroline would have done us in. The Grand was our next stop and probably the biggest disappointment of all. With an early start the next morning it was back the hotel and some wine before bedtime.

    The Grand was disappointing                      Vickers goes Brown Bottle

Sunday 28th June

Early departure for Simon and good-bye to Derek and Richard, before driving to Nelspruit and the luxury leg of the tour for Guesty and Big Sandra. The Mercure was nice enough but with a limited menu we headed into town. Sandy fancied Chinese and we spotted a place not far from the main road. Unbelievable.... Bloody unbelievable.... it was a Chinese retaurant that sold martial arts gear. The Samurai Swords, Ninja Stars and Kung Fu Kit nearly put Big Sandra of his Curry. 

"Wot Went Wong"....

The Big 5 Safari in Kruger Park

Monday 29th June

Big Sandy has a trouser filling moment with the 1st of the Big 5

An early departure for Kruger and a Safari on the way to Satara. Plenty of animals and 3 of the big 5. Elephant, Rhino and Buffalo. The best sighting of Buffalo and Elephant you can imagine, even saw a Honey Badger which is very rare, and a great start to the Safari. Check into Satara and a nights kip before a crack of dawn start. 

A herd of Buffaloand the 2nd of the Big 5.     Rhino make 3 of the Big 5 in the 1st day

Tuesday 30th June

    Lions at Kruger and we have 4 from 5                   Sandy at the Orpen Dam

Check out of Satara and Safari on the way to Skukuza. The tents !! Del would have had kittens. To say these were basic was an understatement but they did the job. Game was a little disappointing at Skukuza, but we had see Lions that morning so only the Leopard to make the Big 5.

       Giraffe on the road to Skukuza                   Our tent at the Skukuza Camp

Wednesday 1st July

              Zebra at Lower Sabi                             Wildebeast near Lower Sabi

Again little in the way of game, but this is what makes Kruger special, you are never guaranteed anything. What we did see was good but planned to head back to Satara the next day to try our luck there again.

     Big male Kudu near Skukuza Camp                          Impala everywhere

Thursday 2nd July

Leave Skukuza and drive towards Satara before leaving Kruger. spotted the Big 5 in 1 hour. After 3 days of hunting we saw the Leopard as we were leaving. Other good sightings were hyena, Elephant, Buffalo, Rhino, Cerval, Lions and Cheetahs. Then on to Blyde Canyon and Pilgrims Rest.

  A Leopard in Kruger Park makes 5 from 5         Driving through Blyde Canyon

Thursday 2ndJuly

Downtown Jo'burg at night.

Evening drive to Jo'burg and a police escort out of the city. Downtown Jo'burg is not for the faint-hearted and the thought of heading back there for the 3rd Test was not an appealing one. Finding the Amber Rose was a bloody miracle as the road signs changed from English to Afrikaans and some were missing. We finally arrive at the end of a dirt track in the middle of nowhere and checked in. 

The Amber Rose Guesthouse

Friday 3rd July

Sandy in the Lions Den

Started the day by talking Rugby over breakfast with a reporter from the Glasgow Herald, then decided to visit the Lion Park. Got some great pictures and managed to touch Lion cubs and feed Ostrich and Giraffe. It's not the same as the Kruger and we were soon animaled out, so it was time for a bit of shopping and out to Montecasino for drinks and a meal.

Montecasino at night

Saturday 4th July

Dressed and headed for Ellis Park. 3rd and final Test. Great victory and back to Amber Rose to get changed for the night. Stop of at the Officers Mess before returning to Montecasino for a surf and turf meal at Coco Bongo. Ended the night holding court in a bar and drinking our own body weight in Vodka Redbull and Springboks.

   Ready for the last stand at Ellis Park           Celebrating the 3rd Test victory

Sunday 5th July

Suffering. Managed to do some shopping at the German Market, quick visit to an officers mess in Bryston and then back to Montecasino for a meal at Kai Thai. Starting to wish we had an earlier flight. 

Big Sandy always likes a spicy Thai

Monday 6th July

Check out of the Amber Rose and a flight to Cape Town. Time to go to Belthazars for our last supper. Over weight at Cape Town and a quick reshuffle of my kit into Sandy's bags avoided a 30 euro surcharge per kilo. At 11 Kilos over, I'd have eaten my shorts before pay so we boarded the flight with hand luggage breaking our backs and headed for Amsterdam.

The long flight home

Tuesday 7th July

Time to kill in Amsterdam, so it was into the Red Light area for tea and tiffin. Then home to the wife and kiddies.

The sights of Amsterdam